Let’s Just hide In Here
Welcome to the blog, today is opening day for the blog and the Shop that officially opens at 6PM! In this blog, I’m going to share thoughts, feelings, Scripture and reflections that I hope will make your life better! The first blog is titled, “Let’s Just Hide in Here” because it’s where I’ve been over the past 9 years of my life, and where I see a lot of people living. I’ve always loved people deeply and I’ve been comfortable being in front of them. I grew up around Washington, D.C. and our church had a school connected to it. I was involved in every program, usually had speaking parts, and was never uncomfortable on a stage or in front of people, for as long as I can remember.
I had an epiphany a few years ago and it was around the concept of feeling like I wanted to hide. Why did I want to lay low and hide out in my life, what was forcing me into seclusion and making me into recluse? In the past 9 years I’ve walked through the discovery and rehabilitation of depression and anxiety. A part of this was due to my newfound role as a pastor and leading a church that my wife and I started, the other part was pain from childhood trauma and sexual abuse. In both cases, I found myself wanting to hide and doing everything I could to play hide and seek with everyone in my life.
For the first 9 years of the Palms Church, I would do everything I could to deflect attention and put it the focus everyone else. I thought it was noble, now I realize I was afraid of the attention and pressure that accompanied it. In 2014, we sent 25,000 mailers to the residents of Virginia Beach, specifically to the area we were starting our church. I didn’t want my picture on them, my team convinced me that people would want to see who the pastor was. Sure enough, the most visited part of a church’s website is the “About” page, information on the pastor.
Three months ago, God spoke to me, it was clear and equally heavy in my spirit. I couldn’t get away from it and I didn’t want to, there’s wasn’t a corner deep enough or a closet dark enough to hide in. I could feel the presence of God, but I knew the message was weighty. It wasn’t corrective or condemning, it was loving and gracious. He said, “Give me your identity.” It felt like I already did that when I gave him my heart to Him 20+ years ago and surely I gave Him whatever was left of that identity when I started Palms Church 9 years ago. Even more gently God told me, “Give me all of your reputation, comfort, and identity.”
I knew exactly what He meant. I gave God everything I wanted but not everything I had, and this was the moment that my obedience would be tested. I was terrified and looking for any way out. I don’t get nervous about obedience. In fact, my closest friends will tell you that I’m a bit crazy, I’ll do whatever God asks of me and that I propel their faith. Well, this was the moment where I knew what God was asking me in private was as great as anything I had ever done in public! This wasn’t a test; it was a loving request.
I wanted to hide. Doing what God has asked of me on a stage is something I have accepted, allowing Him to have all of me. However, giving God the public perception of me was different. A few months ago, I went all in! I knew that for what God had for my life was greater than anything I could think, ask, or imagine (Ephesians 3:20), so I gave it to him.
Four months ago we started a podcast, six weeks ago we built the website you’re reading this blog on, and now we started this blog. I was uncomfortable with the idea of reaching people through social media, being a part of photo shoots, and creating an image and brand that people can relate to. It felt so foreign, but it felt so right. I came alive and I have discovered there’s a part of me that was never given a place to live. Before it was self-promotion and arrogance, now I see it as giving my identity, and what others view, as another tool for God to use however He wants! If we are going to put it all in God’s hands, then we should do just that.
Fear will make you retreat away from the places God has for you and into the places that make you feel unrecognizable. Retreating isn’t comfort its isolation. Comfort is a good thing and something that only God can provide. Fear drives us away from comfort and what God has for our lives. People also have a way of making us retreat from what God has. Allow me to give you some advice, people will be there to encourage and hate on you, no matter what you’re doing. So, do what God has for your life and pay a price for something that’s worth it. The goal of fear is to keep us from what God has for us and from the people that God has placed in our lives.
Every human being can relate to the feelings, anxiety, and panic associated with fear. Fear doesn’t decide to go away on its own or because we don’t like it around us, fear will subside when we change the way we view it. 2 Timothy 1:7 says, “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind (NKJV).” Fear was never intended for us, so when we feel it, it’s a spiritual battle and a spirit that we don’t have to tolerate. Emotions are often rationalized by what we are going through, but when realize there’s a spiritual element to all of them, it changes the way we fight. Step into the ring, step into the identity that God has for your life, free yourself from the burdens of other people, and walk in the goodness of God. You may have heard it said before, but it’s oh so true, “The best is yet to come!” I’m looking forward to getting there together.
